simplicity;

Friday, June 15, 2007
MUMMY

you know in primary school teachers always have us write a compo about our mother.?
i dont think i was good enough to express what i feel about my mother that age.
so today i am going to do a detailed one on her.

my mother is 44 this yr.
she gave birth to me when she was 26 yrs old.
and i have been living with her for almost 18 years.
sad to say, i have not done many things these 18 years that i am sure my mum will be proud of.
on the contrary, i have caused her problems and more problems.

my grandmother passed away when my mum was 16.
she was given two choices at that time.
to take over my grandmother's stall at the market, or to go out and work and to have her own career.
she choose the former.
reason being she will be able to knock off at 2, go home, do housework, and prepare dinner for her 3 other elder brothers, and my grandfather.
the choice she say that day was to put her family first.
i think she is the most selfless person i have ever known.
she could have choosen to go out and work, with her capabilities, she would be earning alot by now i guess.
however she choose to takeover the stall her mum left behind, and singlehandedly supported her family.

when she got married at 23, she moved out of her house and lived with my dad.
a few yrs later her 3rd brother wanted to get married.
but he didnt have enough money for it.
so he borrowed $5000 from my mum.
$5000 some 20yrs back was big money.
however, to date he has not returned her the money.

business at her stall continued to improve steadily as my mum was constantly trying to improve on the food she sells.
it was only until she was pregnant with my bro, and she felt a little too tired, that she approched my dad for help.
so my dad would follow her to the stall in the morning at 4.15am, and come home at around 10am.
in the meantime my mum would be clearing up and preparing for tomorrow, and she will reach home at around 2 to 3.

my dad was a freelance air con and fridge service and repair man.
together with a partner i rmb as "uncle ah bing".
when he first told my mum he wanted to go into this business.
he wanted to buy a lorry.
instead of buying a second hand lorry, like most would when they first start out a business and have yet to make any profits. he bought a brand new one, which my mum paid for.

a few months after i was born, we shifted to the current house i am staying at.
after awhile, my dad wanted to buy a car.
and we got a new car.
my mum paid monthly installments for the car.
my mum paid for electrical bills, and every other kind of bills, and gave us pocket money.

3mnths into her pregnancy with my sister, she had a huge quarell with my dad.
and he asked her to abort the baby.
my mum was devastated.
i only knew about this a few yrs ago, when my mum thought i was sensible enough.
even though she told me this only a few years ago, i could see in her eyes how much pain it caused her, which only meant she was suffering on her own at that point of time.

she was still working when she was 8 mnths pregnant with my sis.
can u imagine how tough it was.?
my dad struck lottery not long before my sis was born.
he stuck $5000.
my mum asked him to give her the money so she could use for household allowance during her confinement month.
however, he decided to buy a $1000 bicycle.
and invested the rest in an insurance policy which he in the end wasnt able to pay the monthly installments and gave up.
which meant he lost $4000 from that deal.

every now and then my mum would talk to me about my dad.
and she would cry in front of me as we sat at the dining table.
when my dad came home from work, she would wipe away her tears and continued with her stuff.
sometimes, i would cry along with her.

i rmb faintly, there was once i asked my mum if she still loved my dad.
i cant rmb what she said.
but i wanted her to get a divorce.
come to think of it. i dont think it would be a sensible choice now.

my sister grew up in a competitive generation.
much more than mine.
and under the influence of my auntie, my mum sent her for all kinds of lesson so that she wold be able to prepare herself for the future.
she started learning piano as well.
my mum asked me if i wanted to learn to, i said no even though part of me felt like saying yes, because i thought i was already too old to learn.

i didnt think i treated my sister very well.
i was always bullying her.
asking her to pass me the newspaper, pour me a cup of water and all that.
and today i am deeply sorry for my animal-like behaviour.

my mum sat me down one day and asked me why i treat my sister that way.
why do i always have to go against my sister.
and why do i not pamper my sister like how an elder sibling would.
she felt i was jealous of my sister that she had so much attention and that she got to learn piano and had so many classes.
she explained to me that it was because of the influence of my auntie, and the generation she was born in.
she told me i am a very petty person.
and that i always think she treats me unfairly.

then she said i have always been her favourite child.
but she doesnt show that she favours me cause she wants to be fair to every child.
she said since young i was very independent, and she didnt have to worry for me.
i haven always been doing good enough for my studies and i was street smart.
however, i was causing her the greatest worry at that point of time.
that day, we both cried.
even after the talk, i did not believe she favoured me the most.
but i felt guilty for making her worry.

then when my sister was struggling with her studies in sch, esp her maths.
she asked me to teach and coach her.
i didnt.
because i get fustrated easily when i teach her.
and that i cannot teach primary sch maths because she doesnt understand algebra.

one day she got really pissed and she said that i am a failure as an elder sibling because i have the capabilities to help her but i didnt.
she said she wasnt properly educated.
she said if she knew she would have taught.
what she said peirced right tru me.
i was extremely guilty.
however, still i did not teach my sister unless she approaches me.
thankfully she now has a tutor.

my dad wanted a change of car frequently.
and everytime, my mum pays for the car.
the installments.
i rmbed once we bought a new car.
and she took up a very heavy installment of $2000 a month.
most of the time i would go with her when she pays her monthly installment at novena.
at the last installment, she told me she really felt that a heavy burden was removed from her shoulders.
a few weeks later, my dad wanted a change of car.
i hated my dad for all the bad things he done to my mum.

even though i am the apple of his eye.
i felt he was a total bummer.
which was why i never really treated him with respect.
i was always talking back at him and speaking at a louder volume.
however, he was always nice and patient to me.
and i am thankful for that.

about 5 yrs ago.
my dad decided to stop working as a freelance as business was very brief.
so he helped out at the stall full time.
and my mum paid him $1,000 a month.
and his new responsibility was to pay phone bills.
and it only came to about $50 at most.
then my mum complained that he doesnt pay anything else.
so he decided to pay for the car installment.
and he contributes $400 a month for it.

i was supposed to pay for my own phone bills.
but after some time i stopped giving my mum money for it because i didnt have anyway.
there was once when she was pissed with me.
she asked if i rmbed what i told her when i first started to work.
she told me i said if i work for her at the stall i have to endure her temper the whole day and earn a mere 20$.
but if i work outside i dont have to take ppl anger, and i will earn $50.
then she said she spent so much time raising me and that is what i said to her.
and she cried.
i know what i said must have hurt her deeply.

i am gladful things have been looking good since.
and i really really respect my mum for bring the breadwinner of our family.
i think she is the most capable woman i have ever met.
to singlehandedly bring up her brothers, and her current family.
i wish i had the courage to tell her 'mummy, i love you'.

11:29 PM